Jokes

That Ariens tear him up Don ?

I heard a clunk and there he laid.
I thought I killed him , until I picked him up with a shovel and he was stiff as a board.

I had set two rat traps out in the yard cus a pack rat was trying to camp out in my truck. Came out and it was dead, both traps had been set off. No sign of trama or blood, just a stiff rabbit.

Murder Incorporated ..

LOL!

Sorry about me

Now I have a craving for fried chicken. I'm fat, but not quite as fat as the ladies in the lower picture.

Randy Rainbow spoof of a Madonna song. Also makes fun of Trump, but it's funny.

Cat name

GENERAL JOKES
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
- The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
- Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.
- When you look really close...all mirrors look like eyeballs.
- My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"
- I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a swimming pool.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
- And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came in fifth and won a toaster.

BLONDE JOKES
- Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.
- How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman? Because it's hard to hollow out the head.
- What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "OMG, donut seeds!"
- Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think at least one of them would've seen it.
- How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
- How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
- Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.
--- The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."
--- The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks."
--- Before the third one could give her opinion...they got hit by a train.

FUNNY SAYINGS
- If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- I am not lazy, I am in energy saving mode.
- Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
- A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
- Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.
- I’m sorry, I can't agree with you...hey, if you were right, I’d agree.
- People say nothing is impossible. WRONG -- I do nothing every day.
- The answer you're looking for is inside of you...but it's wrong.
- One advantage of talking to yourself is that at least you know somebody's listening.
- The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake

Frank Feldman

A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them, But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."