Jokes

TRUE !!

A Doctor comes home from work, feeling bad about the days activities. He lays down on the
couch, and ponders the days activities.
Like most of us, his conscience has two voices; that of his good moral side, and that of his
mischevious side.
While staring at the ceiling, a voice in his head says, "Don't worry about it, a lot of doctors
have sex with their patients."
The man tosses and turns with reflections of his actions.
Again the voice says, "Don't worry about it, a lot of doctors have sex with their patients."
Feeling somewhat relieved, the man begins to relax and feel better about himself, at which
time another voice in his head says, "but your a Veterinarian!"

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.

"You might want to write it down," she said. ...
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him,

and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said,

"No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.

He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks,

"Where's the toast?"

LOL!!

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life.

First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me.

When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.

The police say they can do nothing.

I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.

The cab driver just drives away.

I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,

you show up & drink my poison."

This is an awesome story from a proud grandfather, you'll probably cry at the end.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert and liberty and justice for all. Amen!

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, that's what's wrong with this country.

Kids today don't even know how to pray, asking God for ice cream, why, I never!

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, did I do it wrong, is God mad at me?

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.

Really my grand-son asked?

Cross my heart, the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.

My grand-son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, here, this is for you.

Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!

Touches the heart doesn't it?

Kid was brought up right.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.

"You like these?"

I could only nod my head.

She said to put the condom on.

As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.

"Come on." she said. "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her.

It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!

She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?"

I said, "I sure did!"

...and held up my thumb to show her.

I'm betting that's a true story.

One day, an engineer died and went to heaven.
But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list."

So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible.
So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things.

One day God calls down and says to Satan,
"So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? "

and Satan says: "Well, it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next.

Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!"

and Satan replies, "No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell."

and God says, "send him up or I'll sue!!"

and Satan says smirking, "Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer??"

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family,

in another city.
--------
George Burns

So true.

So true. Almost like he could see into the future.