Jokes

[Floorist]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

WHY GRANDPA'S ARE DIFFERENT
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
Not really, PaPa, it was boring,
We didn't see a single asshole, piece's of shit, horse's ass', blind bastards, dip shits, or sum bitches anywhere we went!"
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.
I really didn't have any fun.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Mark Brown]

Ok, most of your anti-biden memes are just trope as far as I am concerned (one mans opinion) but man that just made me laugh really hard.

 

[Dan]

 

[Floorist]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife

 

[Floorist]

What do you say to an NFL player in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

 

[Floorist]

A Hillbilly gets married,and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before.
"We're in the bedroom pa what do we do now?".
Thinking that nature would take its course the father said"take her clothes off and then you both get into bed".
The Hillbilly calls his dad five minutes later she's nekid and we're in bed what do I do now?".
Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box,his dad asks"did you take your clothes off too?".
"No" his son replies
"Well take off your clothes and get into bed with her ".
The son calls back a few minutes later and says "we're both nekid and in bed what do we do now?".
The fathers patience is quickly running out and he growls"just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pee's!".
The son calls back a minute later"okay pa I've got my head in the toilet bowl now what ?".......

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

 

[C.J.]

Love notes?!? That’s just a message she leaves on the fridge for me to find if she leaves before me.

 

[Floorist]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
Places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
And asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
One foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
Into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
As well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
Beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says....
'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.......
'I will grant you one wish. Just ! One wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says.......
'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
And they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says......
'Y'know, I think Your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
Not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

 

[Floorist]