Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
Lets just say it was fun while it lasted and then some. :army:
:camping:
Daris
:camping:
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen.
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
The bus driver insulted me, she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers.
Youre right, she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.
Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.
The bus driver said, Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen.
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
The bus driver insulted me, she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers.
Youre right, she said. I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.
Thats a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
He Did .. Use to watch him when i was in port and able to get home ..
Never saw him after the show .. Wonder what happened to him?
Never saw him after the show .. Wonder what happened to him?
There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So he painted Bert and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and the rest on the bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name?
The woman piped up and said, His name is Ross and he is my son. She continued,
He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him.
The bus driver replied, No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him carefully in the mirror.
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name?
The little boy replied, My name is Lester Cleese. Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.
At his first stop, there was this very overweight little girl. He opened the door and said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? The girl said that her name was Pattie.
Waiting at the next stop was another overweight little girl. He said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name? She said that her name was Pattie also.
At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said,
Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name?
The woman piped up and said, His name is Ross and he is my son. She continued,
He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him.
The bus driver replied, No problem. He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him carefully in the mirror.
At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, Hi, Im the new bus driver. What is your name?
The little boy replied, My name is Lester Cleese. Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school house, nearly driving the driver crazy.
Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.
The man replied:
Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus.
Nick
In Remembrance
Thanks
Thanks for the link! It was a very interesting article. One of 18 children... wow. But cancer... I hate cancer!
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but Im sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but Im sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.
The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.
The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.
Overheard at the Airline ticket counter.
An older woman requested window seats for both herself and her husband.
Ticket agent says, " That will prevent you and your husband from sitting together."
The woman says "Dear, I just spent 10 days in a Compact rental car with him, I know what I'm doing."
An older woman requested window seats for both herself and her husband.
Ticket agent says, " That will prevent you and your husband from sitting together."
The woman says "Dear, I just spent 10 days in a Compact rental car with him, I know what I'm doing."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Been there, done that! Having lived on a golf course, I lost 2-3 windows a year, and dented every car I owned. Never again!
The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
Nobody likes me in school, he complained, The teachers dont like me, the correspondent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the School Board wants me to drop out. I dont want to go to school.
But you have to go to school, countered his mother, You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And especially because you are the Principal!
Nobody likes me in school, he complained, The teachers dont like me, the correspondent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the School Board wants me to drop out. I dont want to go to school.
But you have to go to school, countered his mother, You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And especially because you are the Principal!
LOL! When I went back on home leave and visited one of my nicer teachers in class, her husband (who was then the principal of the high school) came in to complain that he didn't want to go to the school board meeting because the schoolboard, in their infinite wisdom, decided to change all of the busdriver's routes without discussing it with them first. And they wanted him to go tell the busdrivers what their new routes were. He said he was going to get eaten alive and he thought it was stupid for the schoolboard to change things like that without any discussions. But, that's the school board for you.
