Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.
A child asked his father, How were people born?
So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.
The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me!
His father replied, No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital.
Over the next six months, he regularly donated blood to keep her alive. It was touch and go whether she pulled through, but eventually she did recover and later that year they got married.
For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him.
As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.
“What are you doing with the car keys?”
“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”
“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”
“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.
“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.
“My clothes,” she said.
“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”
“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.
“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brother.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”
“No, sir, our mother.”
“Your mother?” said the doctor. “Don’t be so ridiculous! Women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
For some reason that last one reminded me of how my parents used to make all 3 of us take a bath at the same time. My brother was standing up in the tub and my mother told her to make him sit down. She just reached up and grabbed the nearest appendage available and yanked. He sat down very quickly.
Separate names with a comma.