Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.
A child asked his father, How were people born?
So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.
The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me!
His father replied, No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.
Driving home late one night, a man spotted a car on fire. He rushed over to help and saw that a beautiful woman was trapped inside, bleeding to death. He dragged her to safety from the flames, wrapped her in a blanket and drove her to the nearest hospital.
Over the next six months, he regularly donated blood to keep her alive. It was touch and go whether she pulled through, but eventually she did recover and later that year they got married.
For two years they lived happily together, but then she grew restless and decided to leave him.
As she came down the stairs one morning, carrying two large suitcases and a set of car keys, he challenged her: “Where are you going?”
“I’m leaving you,” she said coldly.
“What are you doing with the car keys?”
“I’m leaving in the Mercedes.”
“No, you’re not. It’s my car. I paid for that. You’re not having it.”
“Fine,” she said, and threw the keys at him.
“And what’s in those bulging suitcases?” he demanded.
“My clothes,” she said.
“You mean the clothes I’ve paid for? They’re not going anywhere!”
“Fine,” she said, tipping out the cases before stripping off completely and hurling her clothes at him.
“And,” he continued, warming to the theme, “what about the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
With that, she whipped out her tampon and said: “I’ll pay you back in monthly instalments!”
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” replied the older brother.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?”
“No, sir, our mother.”
“Your mother?” said the doctor. “Don’t be so ridiculous! Women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”
For some reason that last one reminded me of how my parents used to make all 3 of us take a bath at the same time. My brother was standing up in the tub and my mother told her to make him sit down. She just reached up and grabbed the nearest appendage available and yanked. He sat down very quickly.
Soon after inventing the telephone system, Alexander G. Bell was asked to install a system in the local Indian Chief's teepee, and their outhouse.
Thus becoming the first one to wire a head for a reservation
This is one my grandfather would have liked.
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an
18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an
elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was
going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead
of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the
stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What couldpossibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Separate names with a comma.