Jokes

Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. May 6, 2018 #1321

    DarisMulkin

    DarisMulkin

    DarisMulkin

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    For you Nick

    You're playing in the golf club championship tournament finals and the match is halved at the end of 17 holes.
    You have the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
    Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
    Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.
    Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says:
    "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
    You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
    About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods:
    "I found it!".
    The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

    Now here is the ethical dilemma:
    Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
     
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  2. May 6, 2018 #1322

    Nick

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    If he keeps my ball in his pocket , I say nothing .. lol..
     
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  3. May 6, 2018 #1323

    Nick

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  4. May 6, 2018 #1324

    Nick

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  5. May 6, 2018 #1325

    Floorist

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    calvin.jpg
     
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  6. May 7, 2018 #1326

    zannej

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    I love Flip Wilson, Foster Brooks, and Calvin & Hobbes!! Thank you!
    The great thing with Foster Brooks was that Dean Martin would sometimes start laughing if he just heard his name. LOL.
     
  7. May 7, 2018 #1327

    Nick

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    Glad you liked it ..
     
  8. May 7, 2018 #1328

    highup

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    Calvin was part of the reason I bought the Saturday newspaper. I stopped buying the Saturday paper when they raised the price to $20. ...........or whatever. :D
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2018
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  9. May 7, 2018 #1329

    zannej

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    We still have some of the Calvin and Hobbes books somewhere around.
     
  10. May 8, 2018 #1330

    Nick

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  11. May 9, 2018 #1331

    Nick

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    Tom maybe ..
     
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  12. May 10, 2018 #1332

    zannej

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    Oh man! That reminds me of some prank calls my father used to make and how my brother trolls telemarketers and scammers when they call. I had a great laugh over that one.
     
  13. May 10, 2018 #1333

    Nick

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    Glad you liked it ..
     
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  14. May 15, 2018 #1334

    Floorist

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    gay.jpg
     
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  15. May 15, 2018 #1335

    Nick

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    :):)
     
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  16. May 15, 2018 #1336

    Floorist

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    A Pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that, whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.'

    Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

    The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
     
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  17. May 15, 2018 #1337

    Floorist

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    One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”

    He stumbled several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”

    He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE.”

    He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?” “NO YOU IDIOT” the voice said, “I'M THE RINK MANAGER!"
     
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  18. May 16, 2018 #1338

    DarisMulkin

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    A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.


    While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.


    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'


    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'


    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'


    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


    Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'
     
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  19. May 17, 2018 #1339

    Nick

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  20. May 17, 2018 #1340

    havasu

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