Jokes

Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. Jul 7, 2018 #1381

    Floorist

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  2. Jul 8, 2018 #1382

    Nick

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  3. Jul 8, 2018 #1383

    Nick

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  4. Jul 9, 2018 #1384

    Floorist

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    A highway Patrolman pulls an older gentleman over for a broken tail light.

    As the patrolman is talking with the gent, there is a few flies circling around the patrolman's hat, and head.

    He keeps swatting at them, and the old man says " Having trouble with them circle flies, are ya?"

    Patrolman says " Circle Flies, never heard of them, what are they?

    The old man says " On the ranch we have flies that circle around the horse's behinds. We call them Circle Flies."

    Patrolman says " I see. " thinks a second, " Hey are you calling me a Horse's behind?"

    The old man says, " Oh, No Sir, I would never do that."

    patrolman says , " Good."

    old man says, " Hard to fool them flies though."
     
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  5. Jul 9, 2018 #1385

    Nick

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    A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play day.

    'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

    'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

    'OK', the little girl says,

    'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?

    'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

    Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

    'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

    The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

    'My Mum won't tell me anything about herself,' the little girl says to her friend.

    'WELL' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her DRIVER'S LICENCE'.
    It's like our report cards, it has everything on it.'

    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

    The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

    'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'

    The mother is past surprised and shocked now

    'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

    'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,

    'I also know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

    'Oh really' says the mother......Why?

    'It's all on your drivers licence and you got an 'F' in sex.
     
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  6. Jul 11, 2018 #1386

    Nick

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  7. Jul 11, 2018 #1387

    Floorist

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  8. Jul 15, 2018 #1388

    Nick

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  9. Jul 17, 2018 #1389

    Nick

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  10. Jul 18, 2018 #1390

    Floorist

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    Julia, a lovely young girl from a wealthy family in Malaga, Spain, fell into a brief but passionate relationship with Rashid, a visiting Moroccan student. Rashid went back to Morocco, but eight months later, young Julia bore twins. Life was tough for a Spanish girl in her state, but her family's wealth and position made things tolerable. Her family, good Catholics all, supported her decision to give birth to the boys, whom she named Juan (her father's name) and Amal (after Rachid's father). They also supported her decision to put the two boys up for adoption, to spare the family the embarrassment of a daughter who was an unwed mother.

    The twins were quickly adopted, but by different families. Julia had no had no desire to know their locations. ...But 18 years later, she had second thoughts. She wanted to know how they had fared. She had her father hire a private detective to locate the two young men. He was successful, finding Juan only a few miles away in Granada, and Amal in Zaragoza, far to the north.

    She arranged to secretly observe Juan, who was a college student, handsome and doing very well. The detective asked if she wished him to arrange a similar opportunity to observe her other son.

    "No," she replied, "they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
     
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  11. Jul 18, 2018 #1391

    Floorist

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    Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear andattempt to convert it to their religion.




    Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.




    Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, spoke first. Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'




    Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible!But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.




    The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying ina hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.
     
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  12. Jul 19, 2018 #1392

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  13. Jul 19, 2018 #1393

    Nick

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    Someone is sleeping on the couch tonight .. :D
     
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  14. Jul 21, 2018 #1394

    Nick

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  15. Jul 21, 2018 #1395

    highup

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    I don't know where you guys get this stuff. :D
    I don't want to know......... it's easier if you guys look for me. ;)
     
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  16. Jul 21, 2018 #1396

    Floorist

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    The best way to remember your wife's birthday is,



    to forget it once.
     
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  17. Jul 22, 2018 #1397

    Nick

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  18. Jul 24, 2018 #1398

    Nick

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  19. Jul 26, 2018 #1399

    Floorist

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    A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep
    and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking
    around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted
    island.

    After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking
    his two animal companions to the beach every evening to
    watch the sunset.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
    beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a
    perfect night for romance.ette

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
    better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the
    sheep and put his arm around it.

    The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
    until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
    together, but there was no more cuddling.



    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
    shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

    That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach
    ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus
    clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of
    romance.

    Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
    He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave
    in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had
    sex for months.

    Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything
    she could do for him.




    He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
     
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  20. Jul 31, 2018 #1400

    Nick

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    When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.


    When I was 35 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
     
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