Jokes

Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. Aug 10, 2018 #1421

    zannej

    zannej

    zannej

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    My father was in the store one day & saw a woman who looked familiar. She said "Hi" to him & he wasn't sure who she was. Then she said her name and he remembered & said "Oh! I didn't recognize you with clothes on!" (she was a kid's swimming instructor). The clerk at the checkout choked and the woman blushed.
     
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  2. Aug 10, 2018 #1422

    Floorist

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  3. Aug 10, 2018 #1423

    Floorist

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  4. Aug 12, 2018 #1424

    zannej

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    Both of my parents wanted a wrap-around porch. LOL.

    ROTFL about the bacon cooking note.
     
  5. Aug 13, 2018 #1425

    Floorist

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    First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
    The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
    "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
    "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
     
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  6. Aug 17, 2018 #1426

    Floorist

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    Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,


    but they know they are in love.



    One day they decide that they want to get married,


    so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

    Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,


    "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and


    I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,


    "Well , Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,


    "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."



    Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?



    You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Bruce instantly replies,


    "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and


    I make 10 bucks a week.
    That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."


    Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.



    "Well , Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.


    I just have one more question.


    What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"




    Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,


    "Well, we've been lucky so far."

    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh!t is cute...
     
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  7. Aug 17, 2018 #1427

    Nick

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    Funny-men-laughing-cartoon-you-want-it-when.jpg
     
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  8. Aug 18, 2018 #1428

    Floorist

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  9. Aug 18, 2018 #1429

    Floorist

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    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!

    The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

    Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
     
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  10. Aug 20, 2018 #1430

    Floorist

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  11. Aug 21, 2018 #1431

    zannej

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    LOL! I am always misplacing my measuring tape & pencil!
     
  12. Aug 22, 2018 #1432

    Nick

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  13. Aug 24, 2018 #1433

    Floorist

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    MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE


    This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

    Men Are Just Happier People!

    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

    Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier!


    NICKNAMES

    · If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


    EATING OUT

    · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

    When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.


    MONEY

    · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


    BATHROOMS

    · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


    ARGUMENTS

    · A woman has the last word in any argument.
    · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


    FUTURE

    · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


    MARRIAGE

    · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
    · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


    DRESSING UP

    · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


    NATURAL

    · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


    OFFSPRING

    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

    So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy reading.
     
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  14. Aug 24, 2018 #1434

    Floorist

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    Wife: Do you want dinner?
    Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife: Yes and no.
     
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  15. Aug 24, 2018 #1435

    Floorist

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    It was deer season and an avid hunter finally gave in took his wife hunting. Early in the morning, after much instruction, he put her in a deer-stand. He was almost at his stand over a couple hills when two quick shots turned him around.

    He quickly headed toward her stand and as he got close he heard angy voices. One was saying, "All right lady. It's YOUR deer! It's YOUR deer! Can I please get the saddle and bridle off him?"
     
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  16. Aug 24, 2018 #1436

    Nick

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    Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

    Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

    Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

    How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

    If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

    If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
     
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  17. Aug 25, 2018 #1437

    zannej

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  18. Aug 25, 2018 #1438

    Nick

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    I have no reason to call him.. :D
     
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  19. Aug 25, 2018 #1439

    Floorist

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  20. Aug 25, 2018 #1440

    Floorist

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