Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.
If at first you don't succeed..., then skydiving wasn't for you.
Someone hit me with a bottle of Omega 3;
but my wound was just super fish oil.
Excuse me while i call my psych for an appointment.
What you didn't see the book? DAMN, I didn't either. Called my shrink and he said there is no hope for me.
Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
My shrink as a unlisted number .. At least that is what he told me ..
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old Yugo with two flat tires...
Red-Neck Zoo worker
A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.
4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated:
"You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Snow White and Pinocchio were walking through the woods. Snow White shoves Pinocchio to the ground, jumps on his face and screams "LIE TO ME!!"
Separate names with a comma.