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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"

The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"

The parrot said, "Clarence."

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
 

Dan

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This Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees:
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeccable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeccable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat…
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After many woodpeckers pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said……
“your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home!”
 
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