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Problems, problems, problems....!

Dear Help Desk,

I'm having trouble.

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Joe



Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings Alimony/Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the #Esc# key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.
 
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had
operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other "valuable" programs, such as romance 9.9, and
installed "undesirable" programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while
husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command
C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember,
overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such applications as Grumpy
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly WAV files. DO NOT install
Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another boyfriend program. These are not
supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also
potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2,
which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially
serious viruses into the Operating system.

In summary!

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't
learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional
software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food
3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old
standby... Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support
 

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