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Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
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A young country boy worked at the local feed mill and when it closed he went looking for a job in the city, He applied for a job as a sales associate at a huge department store. The manager was reluctant to hire him without experience, but the young man finally said "Look, hire me on commission. If I don't make any sales, you don't need to pay me anything." The manager agreed and the young bumpkin started work the next day. At the end of the day, the manager was checking stock and noticed a large dollar amount of goods missing. It has to be that new guy, he thought. I should never have hired him. He sought the boy out and started questioning him about the missing stock. The country boy explained "I sold a guy some fish hooks, then he needed some line, so we got that. Then he needed a new rod, so I sold him one of those new Shakespear graphite jobs and a new Garcia reel to go with it. Then he was eyeing one of those Bass Tracker boats, so I set him into it with a new 80 horse Evinrude motor. He didn't have anything to tow it with, so I sold him that Suburban on the show room floor." The manager is speechless but finally says "You mean to tell me a guy comes in for some fish hooks and you sell him a rod, a reel, a boat and a Suburban?" "No Sir" the boy says, "He came in to pick up a box of tampons for his wife.... I said, "Your weekend's shot, You might as well go fishing".
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He said...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. .
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? " He said..."Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.
Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Daris
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. .
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? " He said..."Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.
Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
Daris
LOL! Man, I loved Rodney Dangerfield..
Here's a silly pic:
On that note, I need to remember to get my mother something to eat.
I have such bad memory that my mother got me some vitamins that are supposed to help with memory, but I forgot to take them and I don't remember where I put the bottle. (I'm actually serious about that. LOL.)
Here's a silly pic:
On that note, I need to remember to get my mother something to eat.
I have such bad memory that my mother got me some vitamins that are supposed to help with memory, but I forgot to take them and I don't remember where I put the bottle. (I'm actually serious about that. LOL.)
.......
these two really hot lesbians moved in next door---neither one was very handy so ive been helpin em with heavy liftin and general maintenance and such---so yesterday i hear a knock on my door and its my neighbors bearing a gift--they hand me a little box ----i open it up and inside is a brand new rolex----im speechless---i blabber like a moron---saying thank you over and over again----but in my head---in my minds eye---im thinkin---they really misunderstood me when i said i wanna watch
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror, wonders what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror, wonders what it could be and suddenly.
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
Thoughts to ponder...
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Pierre and Boudreaux were in a restaurant eating when a woman near them began to choke. People stood around panicking and not knowing what to do for a few moments until Pierre took action. He ran up to the woman, grabbed her, bent her over the table, lifted her skirt, and licked her behind. The startled woman managed to spit out the food and was able to breathe again.
Afterward Boudreaux asked "Pierre, why did you do that?"
To which Pierre replied, "Why Boudreaux, haven't you heard of the Hind-Lick maneuver?"
I also found this humorous:
Afterward Boudreaux asked "Pierre, why did you do that?"
To which Pierre replied, "Why Boudreaux, haven't you heard of the Hind-Lick maneuver?"
I also found this humorous:
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What Confucius did not say....words of wisdom that the great man did not utter...!
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired.
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Daris
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired.
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Daris
LOL! Good ones, Daris!
Here's a math one.
A Mathematician went to an Indian reservation. He spoke to three squaws whom he identified by the hides in front of them.
The squaw of the mountain lion hide told him "My son is so fast, he can run to the mountains and back before sunset".
The squaw of the buffalo hide told him "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."
The squaw of the hippopotamus hide told him "I have no sons, but I can run to the mountains and back before sunset and I can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."
So the mathematician concluded this: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Here's a math one.
A Mathematician went to an Indian reservation. He spoke to three squaws whom he identified by the hides in front of them.
The squaw of the mountain lion hide told him "My son is so fast, he can run to the mountains and back before sunset".
The squaw of the buffalo hide told him "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."
The squaw of the hippopotamus hide told him "I have no sons, but I can run to the mountains and back before sunset and I can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."
So the mathematician concluded this: The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Not really a joke but something from the past:
Brings back memories to many of us ... from the past century. Enjoy
Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
Remember these?
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.
Before there were interstates,
when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs,
about 100 feet apart,
each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......
and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
And my all time favorite:
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...
LIKE ME! []
and I remember:
Don't stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car.
BURMA SHAVE
Daris
Brings back memories to many of us ... from the past century. Enjoy
Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
Remember these?
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs,
here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.
Before there were interstates,
when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs,
about 100 feet apart,
each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......
and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS HOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
And my all time favorite:
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...
LIKE ME! []
and I remember:
Don't stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car.
BURMA SHAVE
Daris
.........
DennisT
Well-Known Member
Yeah, but its a dry heat. 
Like a blast furnace.
Like a blast furnace.
