You must drive yourself crazy arguing with yourself.
Daris
Daris
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
True, but after all these years, I've learned what questions not to ask. 
An Irishman's First Drink With His Son . . .
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding
back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which
is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him a Murphy's; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with Beamish and O'Hara's and Kilkenny.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home
Daris
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding
back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which
is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him a Murphy's; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with Beamish and O'Hara's and Kilkenny.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could hardly push the stroller back home
Daris
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
Triple Dose
> A
> man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple
> dosage of Viagra.
> Doctor: I can?t give you a triple dose.
> Man: Why not?
> Doctor: Because it's not safe.
> Man: But I need it really bad.
> Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
> Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on
> Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is
> coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to
> have a triple dose.
> The doctor finally relented.
> Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you,
> but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check
> you to see if there are any side effects.
> On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself
> into the doctor?s office...his right arm in a sling.
> Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
> Man: No one showed up.
>
Daris
> A
> man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple
> dosage of Viagra.
> Doctor: I can?t give you a triple dose.
> Man: Why not?
> Doctor: Because it's not safe.
> Man: But I need it really bad.
> Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
> Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on
> Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is
> coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to
> have a triple dose.
> The doctor finally relented.
> Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you,
> but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check
> you to see if there are any side effects.
> On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself
> into the doctor?s office...his right arm in a sling.
> Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
> Man: No one showed up.
>
Daris
Perfect ride
Hell yeah!...
When I win Powerball, I'm gonna build stuff like that in my new shop.
When I win Powerball, I'm gonna build stuff like that in my new shop.
I would have thought you would have spent the winnings on your mates
5 SECRETS TO A HAPPY LIFE
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other
........
.....
....
......
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it?s gone."
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.
After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it?s gone."
TRANSLATIONS
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11 She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ARS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants-It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
A young man asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD??" Granny replies, "The heck with the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Wife slips into a pretty nightgown and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my beautiful body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" The doctor says he'll be able to see out of his left eye in a week or two.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@st@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Wife slips into a pretty nightgown and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my beautiful body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!" The doctor says he'll be able to see out of his left eye in a week or two.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@st@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
