Jokes

Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. Jun 9, 2014 #1

    Floorist

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

    No further testing is planned.
     
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  2. Jun 9, 2014 #2

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    ................

    10154405_701857809856482_5003816863400674648_n.jpg
     
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  3. Jun 10, 2014 #3

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    A store that sells new husbands
    > has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.
    > Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
    > operates:

    > You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six
    > floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the
    > flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
    > choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
    > exit the building!
    >
    > So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to
    > find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door
    > reads:
    >
    > Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

    > She is
    > intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
    > reads:
    >
    > Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love
    > Kids
    >
    > 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want
    > more.'
    >
    > So she continues upward. The third floor sign
    > reads:
    >
    > Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
    > Extremely Good Looking.
    >
    > 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels
    > compelled to keep going.
    >
    > She goes to the fourth floor and the
    > sign reads:

    > Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are
    > Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
    >
    > 'Oh, mercy
    > me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    > Still, she
    > goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    >
    > Floor 5 - These
    > men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
    > and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
    >
    > She is so tempted to stay,
    > but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
    >
    > Floor
    > 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
    > floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
    > please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    >
    > PLEASE
    > NOTE:
    >
    > To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a
    > New Wives store just across the street.
    >
    > The first floor has
    > wives that love sex.
    >
    > The second floor has wives that
    > love sex and have money and like beer.

    > The third, fourth,
    > fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
     
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  4. Jun 10, 2014 #4

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    ...........

    10441429_10152119978686339_8753499182189618064_n.jpg
     
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  5. Jun 10, 2014 #5

    havasu

    havasu

    havasu

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    MISSING WIFE


    A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

    Husband: My wife is missing; she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

    Inspector: What is her height?

    Husband: No idea.

    Inspector: Slim or healthy?

    Husband: Not slim, so probably healthy.

    Inspector: Color of eyes?

    Husband: Never really noticed.

    Inspector: Color of hair?

    Husband: Changes according to season. Inspector: What was she wearing?

    Husband: Not sure . It may have been a dress or maybe trousers and a top.

    Inspector: Was she driving?

    Husband: Yes.

    Inspector: Type and color of the car?

    Husband: A silver Audi A8 with 4.2 liter V8 TDI engine generating 321 horse power teamed with a 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full adaptive LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point, the husband starts crying.

    Inspector: Don't worry sir. We will find your car.
     
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  6. Jun 11, 2014 #6

    Ernesto

    Ernesto

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    How does a brunette turn on the lights after sex?

    Answer; She opens the back car door.
     
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  7. Jun 11, 2014 #7

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    On their wedding night, the young bride
    Approached her new husband and asked
    For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
    Encounter.
    In his highly aroused state,
    Her husband readily agreed.
    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
    Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    She needed.
    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    His employer was going through a process of corporate
    Downsizing, and he had been let go.


    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
    Another position that paid anywhere near what
    He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
    Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
    By the
    bank which was worth over $2 million,
    And informed him that they
    Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


    She explained that for more than
    Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
    These holdings had multiplied and these were the
    Results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
    'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
    I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    To keep their mouths shut

    Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
    But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
     
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  8. Jun 15, 2014 #8

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    Sane advice / or not

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

    4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

    8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

    10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

    11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan
     
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  9. Jun 18, 2014 #9

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,........... Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I'm stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot
     
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  10. Jun 18, 2014 #10

    DarisMulkin

    DarisMulkin

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    Husbands and Wives

    GROCERY SHOPPING

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

    The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had avocados."

    If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.


    WATER IN THE CARBURETOR

    WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

    HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous?

    WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

    HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

    WIFE: "In the pool"


    THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

    25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


    HE MUST PAY

    Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

    Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”



    Today's Short Reading from the Bible... From Genesis:

    "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
     
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  11. Jun 18, 2014 #11

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    When are they going to put a warning label on Capitol hill?

    "WARNING,,,,,CONTAINS NUTS!
     
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  12. Jun 18, 2014 #12

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    Gentle Thoughts For Today


    *Birds of a feather flock together...*
    *And then crap on your car.*

    *A penny saved is a*
    *Government oversight.*

    *The older you get, the tougher*
    *It is to lose weight, because by*
    *Then your body and your fat have*
    *Gotten to be really good friends.*

    *The easiest way to find*
    *Something lost around the*
    *House is to buy a replacement...*

    *He who hesitates is probably right.*

    *Did you ever notice: The Roman*
    *Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.*

    *The sole purpose of a child's*
    *Middle name is so he can*
    *Tell when he's really in trouble.*

    *Did you ever notice: When you*
    *Put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'*
    *Together it spells 'Theirs....'*

    *Aging: Eventually you will*
    *Reach a point when you stop*
    *Lying about your age and*
    *Start bragging about it.*

    *Some people try to turn back*
    *Their odometers. Not me, I want*
    *People to know 'why' I look this*
    *Way. I've traveled a long way and*
    *Some of the roads weren't paved.*

    *When you are dissatisfied and*
    *Would like to go back to your*
    *Youth, think of Algebra.*

    *You know you are getting*
    *Old when everything either*
    *Dries up or leaks.*

    *One of the many things no*
    *One tells you about aging*
    *Is that it is such a nice change*
    *From being young. Ah, being*
    *Young is beautiful, but being*
    *Old is comfortable.*

    *Lord, Keep your arm around*
    *My shoulder and your hand*
    *Over my mouth . *
     
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  13. Jun 19, 2014 #13

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    ....

    10246467_10154315142855165_918812605883903777_n.jpg
     
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  14. Jun 20, 2014 #14

    highup

    highup

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    You find some good stuff Rusty.
     
  15. Jun 20, 2014 #15

    Floorist

    Floorist

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  16. Jun 20, 2014 #16

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    This is important information just in case.

    Symptoms of the Bird Flu...

    The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

    1. High fever
    2. Congestion
    3. Nausea
    4. Fatigue
    5. Aching in the joints
    6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield
     
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  17. Jun 20, 2014 #17

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    A tired woman boards a commuter train after a long, hard day at work. A minute later a guy sits down in the seat next to her and pulls out his phone. He calls a number and begins talking very loudly.

    “Hi Darlin’, it’s Jerry, I just made the 6:45 and I’m on my way....I KNOW I’m two hours late, but the boss kept me in a meeting till after 6 o’clock....YES it was the boss.....no, NOT my secretary....Darlin’, come on now, you KNOW you’re the only one for me....of COURSE I mean it, honest....I’ll be home soon and I’ll make it up to you....”

    Ten minutes go by and the guy is still yammering away in a voice that everybody can hear.

    Finally the woman can’t take it any longer. She leans her head over to the guy’s phone and says, “Jerry, honey, stop talking on the phone and come back to bed.”
     
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  18. Jun 20, 2014 #18

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    One Sunday morning in church it was time for the children's lesson. The minister called all the children up to the front of the church and had them sit on the steps to the platform. Then he announced, “Children, this is Resurrection Sunday. Do any of you know anything about the Resurrection?”
    The kids all sat there silently and nervously, until finally one little boy spoke up:
    “On TV they say if it lasts more than 4 hours you should see a doctor.”
     
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  19. Jun 21, 2014 #19

    Nick

    Nick

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    ....

    post-10-0-39746200-1403297453.jpg
     
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  20. Jun 21, 2014 #20

    Floorist

    Floorist

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    doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    What is your answer?





    "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
     
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