"Do you realize that If Bernie Sanders wins the presidency, it will be the first time that a Jewish family moved into public housing that was left vacant by a black family?"
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
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Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
It was tough.
How does a blonde spell "farm?"
E-I-E-I-O!!
E-I-E-I-O!!
Nick
In Remembrance
And on his farm he had a Blonde . 
We all need this
Senility has been a smooth transition for me. I may not be smart, handsome, athletic or talented ----------- where was I going with this?
My life.
A Post Surgery Question
You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
*"But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause*
and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.*
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.
*"But", she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The Surgeon seemed to pause*
and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.*
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!''
In Arkansas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.'
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!''
In Arkansas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.'
A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."
heh heh
For Havasu
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.
The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Quiet, Cinderblock
The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Quiet, Cinderblock
That's a good one Rusty!
In a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No, said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
"No, said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
I knew someone would find a name for
our election process for this year.
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President, put
forth by either party in the 2016
election year.
our election process for this year.
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President, put
forth by either party in the 2016
election year.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I
am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog
attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the
second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and
thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I
am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog
attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the
second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and
thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Nick
In Remembrance
....
The IRS returned the tax return to a man in New Jersey because of an incorrect answer to one of the questions.
In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependent on you?, the man wrote: 9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington."
The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable!
The man responded back, Who did I leave out?
In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependent on you?, the man wrote: 9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington."
The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable!
The man responded back, Who did I leave out?
On the first day at the new senior complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?
Daris
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?
Daris
