............
Jokes
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Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
Nick
In Remembrance
Careful Jon, He's been teaching the kids to shoot Guns . 
............
Open Carry
A guy and his buddy are travelling on the "Jersey" turnpike when they get stopped by a trooper running radar. The trooper approaches the driver and as the driver rolls his window down he is immediately struck in the head by the troopers flashlight. "What was that for?" asked the driver. The trooper replied,"here in New Jersey, when you are stopped by a cop you better have your driving credentials ready when a cop walks up to your car." The driver apoligized stating that he was not from the area as the trooper walked back to his cruiser to issue a summons. The trooper then re-approached the driver and gave him his credentials back and then proceeded over to the passenger side and motioned for the passenger to roll his window down. Upon doing so, the passenger was immediately struck in the head by the troopers flashlight as well. "What did you do that for?" screamed the man. " I'm just making your wish come true" replied the trooper. "How are you making my wish come true?" asked the man. "Well",the trooper replied, "I know that two miles down the road from here you would've said to your buddy,"I wish that trooper would have tried that crap on me!"
So true for flooring installers.
Three Holy Men and a Bear
>
> A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
> Peninsula of Michigan.
>
> They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
> all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
> convert it to their religion.
>
> Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
>
> 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
> found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
>
> Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
> So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
> God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
> give him first communion and confirmation.'
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
>
> In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
> you
> KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
> And
> then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
>
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
> UP
> another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
> and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
> as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!
>
> The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
> in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
> running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
>
> The Rabbi looked up and said:
>
> "Looking back on it, ....
>
> circumcision may not have
> been the best way to start.":-[
>
> A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
> Peninsula of Michigan.
>
> They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
> all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
> convert it to their religion.
>
> Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
>
> 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
> found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
>
> Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
> So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
> God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
> give him first communion and confirmation.'
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
>
> In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
> you
> KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
> And
> then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
>
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
> UP
> another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
> and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
> as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!
>
> The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
> in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
> running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
>
> The Rabbi looked up and said:
>
> "Looking back on it, ....
>
> circumcision may not have
> been the best way to start.":-[
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting around a table discussing who the best person in the world is.
Sleeping Beauty claims that she is the best because she is the most beautiful person in the world.
Hercules claims that he is the best because he is the strongest person in the world.
Don Juan claims that he is the best because he has loved the most women in the world.
So they decide to go speak to the wise man and see who is the best.
They agree to go in alone so as not to be embarassed in front of the others.
Sleepy Beauty goes in first and came out smiling.
She says that she truly is the most beautiful person in the world.
Hercules goes in next and also came out smiling.
He says that he truly is the strongest person in all the world.
Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very angry and confused.
He exclaims,''Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?''
Sleeping Beauty claims that she is the best because she is the most beautiful person in the world.
Hercules claims that he is the best because he is the strongest person in the world.
Don Juan claims that he is the best because he has loved the most women in the world.
So they decide to go speak to the wise man and see who is the best.
They agree to go in alone so as not to be embarassed in front of the others.
Sleepy Beauty goes in first and came out smiling.
She says that she truly is the most beautiful person in the world.
Hercules goes in next and also came out smiling.
He says that he truly is the strongest person in all the world.
Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very angry and confused.
He exclaims,''Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?''
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.
They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, Okay, we'll give him one more try.
We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!
They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, Okay, we'll give him one more try.
We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!
Not PC, but oh well.
Not PC, but oh well.
Whoa what are you doing talking about Catholics like that!!!
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daught...er-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?
Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents."
St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock."
"That's right!" exclaims St. Peter.
"Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."
He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."
St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"
She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents."
St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"
She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock."
"That's right!" exclaims St. Peter.
"Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."
I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to?... can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs?... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and do you really think I am this witty ?? ... I actually stole this from a friend, who stole it from his brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby momma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol Enjoy the rest of your day!
