Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
.......
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office and say,
"I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"
"I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"
Nick
In Remembrance
I don't call. 
Nick
In Remembrance
....
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking
and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but
then I bent over to look in the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt,
pulled down my panties, and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either !"
and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but
then I bent over to look in the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt,
pulled down my panties, and made love to me right then and there."
"They don't like that in heaven", said God.
The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either !"
Short but true story. My sister's first boyfriend was not the brightest bulb. We were sitting at the table as he was having dinner with us and my father mentioned my sister's penchant for procrastination. He asked "What's that?" and my sister said "I'll tell you later." Everyone laughed but the boyfriend.
Another story with him-- this was around the time the Jurassic Park movie came out overseas. They were selling all sorts of mdse for the movie and my father had a spray bottle with the Dilophosaurus "spitter" dinosaur head on it. You could make the head bob and/or make it spray. My father walked up to my sister's boyfriend, pointed the Dilophosaurus at him and said "John, in the next three seconds your life depends on your knowledge of Paleobiology". John blinked and said "Paleo-- what?" So dad pointed the Dilophosaurus at his face and pulled the trigger. Dude didn't know what to do. He thought my dad was "cool" though.
Irish commentary on boat races in the Olympics (the f-bomb gets dropped a couple of times)
Another story with him-- this was around the time the Jurassic Park movie came out overseas. They were selling all sorts of mdse for the movie and my father had a spray bottle with the Dilophosaurus "spitter" dinosaur head on it. You could make the head bob and/or make it spray. My father walked up to my sister's boyfriend, pointed the Dilophosaurus at him and said "John, in the next three seconds your life depends on your knowledge of Paleobiology". John blinked and said "Paleo-- what?" So dad pointed the Dilophosaurus at his face and pulled the trigger. Dude didn't know what to do. He thought my dad was "cool" though.
Irish commentary on boat races in the Olympics (the f-bomb gets dropped a couple of times)
Last edited by a moderator:
LOGICAL
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
Nick
In Remembrance
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt....
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt....
Bill Gates has passed away
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
.....
Nick
In Remembrance
My Man. lol
An old man was sick in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she walked into his room she would talk to him like he was a child, "And how are we doing today? Are we hungry? Did we eat all of our lunch? Are we ready for a bath?" He had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, he took the container of apple juice off of his tray and hid it under his pillow. Later in the day he was given a bottle to fill with urine to send to the lab for testing. He filled the bottle with the apple juice and handed it to the nurse. She took one look at it and said, "My, it looks like we are a little bit cloudy today". At which point he grabbed it out of her hand and drank it down quickly replying, "Well, I'll run it through one more time. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted.
One day, he took the container of apple juice off of his tray and hid it under his pillow. Later in the day he was given a bottle to fill with urine to send to the lab for testing. He filled the bottle with the apple juice and handed it to the nurse. She took one look at it and said, "My, it looks like we are a little bit cloudy today". At which point he grabbed it out of her hand and drank it down quickly replying, "Well, I'll run it through one more time. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted.
Q: What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..."
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
I was reading in the celebrity obituary column.
It said the Guinness Book of World Records' oldest living person had died. Carrie White died at the age of 118 years old.
Last line of the obituary said, and I quote, 'Cause of death has not yet been determined.'
Let me take a wild stab in the dark on this one -- probably not crib death.
It said the Guinness Book of World Records' oldest living person had died. Carrie White died at the age of 118 years old.
Last line of the obituary said, and I quote, 'Cause of death has not yet been determined.'
Let me take a wild stab in the dark on this one -- probably not crib death.
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I think car horns should sound like gunshots 'cause the sound of a horn is not representin' my road rage properly.
I've never been angry with someone and had the urge to toot a trumpet.
I've never been angry with someone and had the urge to toot a trumpet.
Nick
In Remembrance
I almost hit some big goof yesterday riding a 24 " bike and texting.
If there was a car in the lane next to me , that would be it for him.
If there was a car in the lane next to me , that would be it for him.
