Was talking with the Brother-in-law, and having kids came up. ( he has 4 sons), I asked him if he had a chance to start over, would he still have kids?
He answered " Yes , just not these four."
He answered " Yes , just not these four."
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
True story: My mother's friends and family encouraged her to have a second child after having my sister. She had me. I was a sick fussy little brat. She said to her friends & family, "I thought you said having two would make it easier!" and the universal response was "We didn't know you were going to have HER!"
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A southern state trooper was asked on an exam What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?
Is answer.., Call for backup
Is answer.., Call for backup
senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his tallywhacker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his tallywhacker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Thats a good one Rusty!🤪
Just before Xmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel. As the lift traveled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $50 note lying on the lift's floor.
Which one picked up the $50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Which one picked up the $50 note, and handed it in at reception?
Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
This past September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if winter was going to be cold or mild. The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.
In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.Christmas Funny Stories and Jokes
'Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,' the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.
A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. 'Are you still forecasting a cold winter?' he asked.
'Yes, very cold', the weather officer told him.
As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.
A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. 'Yes,' he was told, 'it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied: 'Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.'
In truth, neither of them had idea about how to predict the coming winter. However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.Christmas Funny Stories and Jokes
'Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,' the meteorological officer told the chief. Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.
A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. 'Are you still forecasting a cold winter?' he asked.
'Yes, very cold', the weather officer told him.
As a result of this brief conversation the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.
A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. 'Yes,' he was told, 'it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied: 'Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.'
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You cant do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Dont worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if Ive been bad or good, but he doesnt know the cookie fell on the floor?"
"You cant do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Dont worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if Ive been bad or good, but he doesnt know the cookie fell on the floor?"
Wife came home the other day telling me something is wrong with the car. I asked if she knew what the problem was. she replied "there's water in the carburetor." I was shocked she would even know this. so I asked again, and she was dead serious saying "Im telling you, I know there is water in the carburetor!!" So now i needed to know more, so I asked her where the car was. to which she replied "down the street in the lake."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
Louisiana farmer Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'
The old r said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart a**.... Show him
your card!!
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'
The old r said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart a**.... Show him
your card!!
Guy talking about his mother-in-law. "she has never been the same since the house fell on her sister".
Nick
In Remembrance
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A nice little old grandma was shopping in a toy store.
Searching for the right gift for a 6 year old grandson.
The clerk suggested an educational toy, or an entertaining video.
The lady was hesitant until she spied a laser gun with bright lights and fifteen different shrill sounds.
Saying Perfect, My daughter-in-law will hate it.
Searching for the right gift for a 6 year old grandson.
The clerk suggested an educational toy, or an entertaining video.
The lady was hesitant until she spied a laser gun with bright lights and fifteen different shrill sounds.
Saying Perfect, My daughter-in-law will hate it.
My friend's wife always wanted to learn to play piano.
So last year he bought her one for Christmas.
In February, I was asking him about her progress, and he said I convinced her to trade it in on a Clarinet.
I asked " Why?"
He said " Because that way she can't sing along"
So last year he bought her one for Christmas.
In February, I was asking him about her progress, and he said I convinced her to trade it in on a Clarinet.
I asked " Why?"
He said " Because that way she can't sing along"
Nick
In Remembrance
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
This reminded me-- no joke: My grandfather had a vasectomy a few years before my father was born. Although he went back to the doctor and had some tests done and it turns out it the tube healed & he was still fertile.
