Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.
After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"
"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".
After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"
"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".
Kevin - When He Grows Up
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an
Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin?s hooker."
Daris
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an
Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin?s hooker."
Daris
Nick
In Remembrance
I remember as a kid my Dad taught me three things i still remember today .
1] I didn't see anything .
2] I wasn't there .
3] I didn't do it .
Till this day i remember my 3rd grade teacher asking me in a quiz . Who killed JFK?
I replied I didn't do it !!
She called my Dad and told him what i said . His reply in broken Italian and English was . Ifa mya son saya hea didn't do it , Then hea didn't do it .
1] I didn't see anything .
2] I wasn't there .
3] I didn't do it .
Till this day i remember my 3rd grade teacher asking me in a quiz . Who killed JFK?
I replied I didn't do it !!
She called my Dad and told him what i said . His reply in broken Italian and English was . Ifa mya son saya hea didn't do it , Then hea didn't do it .
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
A captain was sailing on the sea during a battle. His servant came up to him and the captain said, "bring me my red shirt".
So, the servant did as the captain said.
Later that day, the servant approached the captain and said, "Why did you ask me to get your red shirt?"
The captain replied, "Well if I get shot, they won't see the blood."
The next day the servant ran up to the captain and yelled, "There are 50 ships on the horizon sir!"
The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
So, the servant did as the captain said.
Later that day, the servant approached the captain and said, "Why did you ask me to get your red shirt?"
The captain replied, "Well if I get shot, they won't see the blood."
The next day the servant ran up to the captain and yelled, "There are 50 ships on the horizon sir!"
The captain said, "Bring me my brown pants."
.....
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.
Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you.
Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts
Application for employment
(carpet layer)
1. Name_________
A. Name used at last store fired from__________
B. Give name wife or girlfriend knows you by________
2. Address (if living in van give lic. #)
________________________
3. Mothers name________
4. Fathers name (if known)________
5. Birthdate_______
6. Birthplace (if known)________
7. Circle school grade completed 1 2 3 4 5 6
8. Hobbies (if other than recreational drugs please list)
1._______
2._______
9. Last carpet store fired from (if not for theft or no show, please explain)
__________________
10. Current pawnshops________
11. What are the usual hours your truck or van breaks down?
circle one: 6:30-7:30 7:30-8:30 8:30-9:30
12. How many times a month are your tools stolen? and from where in Topeka?
check one: __ outside pawn shops
__ outside bar
__ outside rock house
13. Last time you filed income taxes_____
14. Do you have a contractors license? Insurance? Bonded?
check: __ No
__ No
__ No
15. How many times a year do you come up short on carpet?
(carpet layer)
1. Name_________
A. Name used at last store fired from__________
B. Give name wife or girlfriend knows you by________
2. Address (if living in van give lic. #)
________________________
3. Mothers name________
4. Fathers name (if known)________
5. Birthdate_______
6. Birthplace (if known)________
7. Circle school grade completed 1 2 3 4 5 6
8. Hobbies (if other than recreational drugs please list)
1._______
2._______
9. Last carpet store fired from (if not for theft or no show, please explain)
__________________
10. Current pawnshops________
11. What are the usual hours your truck or van breaks down?
circle one: 6:30-7:30 7:30-8:30 8:30-9:30
12. How many times a month are your tools stolen? and from where in Topeka?
check one: __ outside pawn shops
__ outside bar
__ outside rock house
13. Last time you filed income taxes_____
14. Do you have a contractors license? Insurance? Bonded?
check: __ No
__ No
__ No
15. How many times a year do you come up short on carpet?
Nick
In Remembrance
Some of the guys couldn't read that to fill in the blanks. 
LOL. For some reason it reminded me of my brother filling out a job application at Walmart where he said it had questions that would damn you no matter how you answered because they were two parts with only one answer so if you said yes you were admitting to being a thief but if you said no you were admitting to something else bad. It was done on computer so you couldn't write in an answer.
And for some reason when people mention a "carpet layer" I'm thinking of layers like on onions. LOL.
And for some reason when people mention a "carpet layer" I'm thinking of layers like on onions. LOL.
I worked at Walmart for a short time during the last recession. It is a hell hole.
I have explained to many retail sales people, you work with difficult people in a store, I work with them in their home.
Walk a mile in a cop's shoes if you really want to see people and families in their most difficult times.
I remember someone saying, " people are smart, but the public is stupid."
From Jon
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given
us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
* ~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.</ p>
*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be le ft to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given
us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
* ~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.</ p>
*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be le ft to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
