Jokes

Discussion in 'The Bucket' started by Floorist, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. Feb 27, 2019 #1581

    Nick

    Nick

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  2. Feb 28, 2019 #1582

    zannej

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    The blonde one about getting her to laugh a few days later reminds me of the time I told a joke in school & three weeks later a friend of mine (who was a brunette born with fetal alcohol syndrome) started laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. When I asked why, she repeated the punchline of my joke bc she finally got it.

    I'm stealing the "in energy saving mode" line. That shall henceforth be my new motto.
     
  3. Feb 28, 2019 #1583

    Floorist

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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to ta...ke a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    (You're gonna love this.)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

    Never take life too seriously.
     
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  4. Mar 1, 2019 #1584

    zannej

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    I heard that one before where her name was Patty Black. LOL. My grandfather used to tell it all the time & it always made us laugh.

    Today when I was leaving the Dollar Tree (I bought some cheap cleaning supplies), the clerk stopped & said "Hey, how do you make a tissue dance?" I said "How?" and she did a little wiggle and said "You put some boogie on it!" LOL! I then told her about the antelope jumping higher than the average house so she could share that one with her co-workers (she told me her co-workers were not appreciating her puns).
     
  5. Mar 4, 2019 #1585

    DarisMulkin

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    Two new sailors were on the deck of a ship.

    One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

    Other sailor replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

    "There is no band on this ship."

    "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
     
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  6. Mar 4, 2019 #1586

    Floorist

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  7. Mar 5, 2019 #1587

    DarisMulkin

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  8. Mar 5, 2019 #1588

    zannej

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    LOL! I do wonder what is in store in the future with people having their faces buried in their phones all the time.
     
  9. Mar 11, 2019 #1589

    DarisMulkin

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  10. Mar 12, 2019 #1590

    Floorist

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    I just reverse the motor, works the same.
     
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  11. Mar 12, 2019 #1591

    DarisMulkin

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  12. Mar 12, 2019 #1592

    zannej

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    Guardian of the Galaxy
     
  13. Mar 13, 2019 at 11:11 PM #1593

    DarisMulkin

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    A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

    His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

    “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

    His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

    "Well", he replied. "I said I was 97!"
     
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  14. Mar 16, 2019 at 12:09 AM #1594

    DarisMulkin

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    A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

    "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.

    "For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.

    "A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

    "For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.

    "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

    One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."

    Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.

    "Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
     
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