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Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
For the drivers I encounter every day, one piece of advice. If you fold in your ears, you could probably get your head out of your a**.
Nick
In Remembrance
Works for me . 
Heh.
Nick
In Remembrance
That's one slippery floor .
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead & the guy panics. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, & puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour is outside & asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stumbles around & says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?" The neighbour replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside & someone had dug him up, gave him a bath & put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
a husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like i have a g.e. Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.'honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied, hellooooo.......do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so! =====
He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like i have a g.e. Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!
The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like i have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working.. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.'honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied, hellooooo.......do you see betty crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so! =====
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'
'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that
all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time !!
Daris
all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.
Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven at the time !!
Daris
Ohhh
Coos Bay, Oregon
Quit pickin' on me. It was real funny till the police showed up.
Yep!
