I know, it's bad.
Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
- Start date
Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
..........
A blonde pushes her car into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died.
After working on it for a few minutes the mechanic has it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, 'So what's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?
After working on it for a few minutes the mechanic has it is idling smoothly.
The blonde says, 'So what's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she crawled to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that is a big switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, before I have to drag you out, you little coward."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she crawled to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that is a big switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under that bed, before I have to drag you out, you little coward."
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become 'kitty litter'?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become dis-orient-ed?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
When dog food is 'new and improved' tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time to set it to?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become dis-orient-ed?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
When dog food is 'new and improved' tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time to set it to?
Really
yes!
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road.
We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. To look for pyramids... it wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep
their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
Al SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. To look for pyramids... it wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep
their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
Al SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
NRA...I will protect the 2nd amendment rights of that chicken.
Nick
In Remembrance
Al SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? 
Nick
In Remembrance
....
..............
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . ..That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course .. . . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a very long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus...........
And last but not least, an old favourite . . . . .
About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy..............
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems.........?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."
Caddy: "Other end."
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . ..That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course .. . . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a very long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus...........
And last but not least, an old favourite . . . . .
About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy..............
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems.........?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."
Caddy: "Other end."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete.... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone saying, "Picabo, ICU".
just an athlete.... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care
Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone saying, "Picabo, ICU".
Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!
