Jokes
- Thread starter Floorist
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Help Support Flooring Forum - DIY & Professional:
If I could ever track down that car I would really be pissed!
From the Hillbilly Book of Manners:
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at ’em.
3.YES, it’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
-Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
-ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
-PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
-DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
-WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
-DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A HILLBILLY MURDER:
1.All the DNA is the same.
2.There are never any dental records.
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at ’em.
3.YES, it’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
-Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
-ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
-PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
-DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
-WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
-DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A HILLBILLY MURDER:
1.All the DNA is the same.
2.There are never any dental records.
Modern Day Noah’s Ark'
In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said…
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying…
"You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
- I needed a building permit.
- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked…
"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said…
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying…
"You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
- I needed a building permit.
- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked…
"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu? A: It lays eggs.
I want that Edsel behind the hearse.
Two Crocodiles were basking by the side of the swamp near the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and says, "I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the
same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a*shole and a briefcase."..........
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and says, "I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the
same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a*shole and a briefcase."..........
Me too
On a serious note, grapefruits have a bad interaction with many meds,
Give me the school bus, I might learn something.
